You Will Never Again Poop Alone | POTTY MOUTH

When you are pregnant, there is a long list of things that people tell you to ENJOY NOW. Sleep, fine dining, movies, travel, sex, sleep. But you know what no one ever said to me? “Enjoy the chance to poop alone because once that baby comes, forget about it.”

Since becoming a mother, I have found myself in countless unimaginable circumstances. No one tells you that nursing an infant while taking a crap might be a regular occurrence and that the baby may be pooping while he’s nursing while you’re pooping, adding complicated layers to the bathroom experience that you never could have conceived.

No one tells you that you might have a baby who screams when you’re out of the room and is only happy sitting in his car seat even though you have several vibrating/bouncing/rocking chairs, and so YES, you will park that car seat on the bathroom floor and attempt to sing The Itsy Bitsy Spider while you drop a deuce and he wrinkles his nose, judging you.

No one tells you that your toddler terrorist may climb onto your lap and thrust a pop-up book into your hand, even though you’re right in the midst of going Number Three, and if you so much as pause to catch your breath while reading We’re Going on a Bear Hunt, he will let out a piercing scream that punishes you far worse than those stomach cramps ever could.

There is so much that falls under the category The Shit No One Tells You, including the fact that for years to come, you’ll miss the simple joy of taking a shit.

My “baby” is five years old now, and I still find myself wondering when I’ll ever get to poop alone. Sure, there are occasions where no one else is home and I can enjoy an uninterrupted dump, but if my son is anywhere near the vicinity, his radar goes up the moment he hears the bathroom door close. He may have been playing independently for an hour before I decide to go, but in that moment, he NEEDS things. All of the things. And no amount of “Be right there!” or “Just a sec!” or “MOMMY’S POOPING!” will keep him from busting in. If I tell him to go away until I’m finished, he sits on the bathmat next to me and says, “I’ll wait here.” It’s almost cute until he catches a whiff, and wrinkles his nose, judging me.

When you’re done being pregnant and you cross over into Parentland, the same schmucks who told you to savor every pre-baby meal and vacation and good night’s sleep flip the script ever-so-slightly and tell you to enjoy every moment with your precious bundle, because it all goes by so fast. These people obviously have children or they wouldn’t feel the strong need to impart all of their knowledge, so it’s safe to say you can trust them with your child. Hand them your kid and say, “Here. I want YOU to enjoy this moment. I’m going to the bathroom to pinch a loaf.”  

Take your sweet time, Mama. Enjoy. This. Moment.

VIDEO: You’ll Never Poop Alone Again