Why I Hate Pap Smears | Guest Post by Unfiltered Mom

This is a guest post by Kathy Chlan, aka Unfiltered Mom. Watch for her new segment for MomCave coming soon! And check her out on Blabbermom and MomCave LIVE.

I don’t know about most women, but there is a time of year that I dread.  I get anxiety out the wazoo about it.  The dreaded yearly visit to the Gyno for a pap smear!

I would rather have my teeth pulled out.  It is not the actual doctor or the idea of it, it is what goes on during the appointment.  Get your minds out of the gutter!  LOL.

First, you get weighedw,hich is trauma enough, then they take your blood pressure.  You enter the exam room and are told to put on the infamous paper gown and paper blanket over you.

The main rule of my doctor is to not take off your shoes, even in the winter.  What a sight that must be to look at.  Not our vaginas, but us naked from the waist down with our worn out shoes still on.  As moms, we rarely get to keep our shoes glamorous because we are too busy running around after our kids!  Who made up these rules??

The doctor enters and asks you questions about the last year.  Any problems, etc.   I want to say ” Hell yes!  I want my body to go back to what I looked like at 25!!”  It is nice to dream.  After two kids, my vagina will never be the same!

And next…..  “Put your feet in the stirrups and slide all the way down”.  I HATE that!  Then, the worst happens.  The doctor straps a light around his head.  He looks like an adventurer who is entering a cave to dig up artifacts.  Okay, I am 49, but I don’t think it is that old!  

Then the conversation starts.  The awkward phase I like to call it. So what’s new, how are the kids, what are you doing for the summer?” Really, you have your head in my va-jay-jay ready to go on an exhibition and you want to know what I made for dinner last night??  I always want to ask the doctor at the end, “Did you find anything of value down there?”

Listen, my doctor gets more action than my husband!  The doctor gets all in!  Afterward I always feel like I should light a cigarette and have a smoke!

Until next year…..

unfiltered mom kathy chlan

Kathy Chlan

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