Things My Toddler Gets Away With That Would Land Me in Jail

toddler crimes momcave toddler dressed in police costume

I’ve always been a goody two-shoes. Cops only have to glance at me and I immediately want to confess about the time I stole half a jar of coffee from work (I really stuck it to the man that day!)

My toddler, on the other hand, is a total menace. She constantly breaks every rule I set for her. It’s all one giant game-hilarious for her and infuriating for me. Today, I came to a realization.

My sweet little 2-year-old daughter is a thug! A total criminal! An all-out felon!

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury I present you with the undeniable evidence of my toddlers’ recent crime spree.

toddler covered in ashes after climbing in fireplace
Someone got into the fireplace…


Ok, let’s start off with the low-level offenses. Toddlers seem to have a knack for breaking, damaging and generally destroying anything they come into contact with.

Exhibit A – Not long ago I came back from feeding my angelic little newborn to absolute devastation. It was a two-stage attack carried out to deliver maximum destruction. Stage one involved butter… much butter. Do you know how long it takes to clean butter from practically every surface in a lounge room? I do! Stage two involved good old permanent marker, every parent’s best friend. It was not a good day for me….

Urinating in Public

Oh yeah, sure if I pee in the alley outside a nightclub it’s “offensive”.

If my darling little toddler turns our local grocery store floor into a paddling pool it’s totally fine. Hell, it’s actually MY fault that she did it. In fact, it’s funny when she sits in the puddle and splashes around a bit. Please, everybody, watch and giggle so she really understands just how much of a funny thing it is to do.

Indecent Exposure

And that leads us very nicely into what is currently the bain of my existence. My girl HATES clothes. Wrestling her into a t-shirt or dress is like tackling an octopus that’s grown a few extra arms for good measure.

Once her outfit is finally on, it takes approximately 3.5 seconds for it to be ripped off and thrown in the air. Usually followed by her terrifying battle cry of “Noooooo dressssss!!!!!!!”

But don’t worry! It’s not behavior that’s reserved for just me personally or for the privacy of our home. This display can happen anywhere, at any time, and without warning. I mean, yes, we live in a tropical climate and I sympathize but I don’t think I’d meet with the same acceptance if I started strutting around town in my undies.

Assault & Battery

I looked up the official definition: “if the assailant both threatens to make unwanted contact and then carries through with this threat” I can just imagine every toddler parent nodding their head at that definition and thinking I hear ya!

Have you ever had a 2-year-old run at you with a large plastic giraffe aimed in your direction, feet first? Yes, it’s as painful as it sounds.

Not to mention the bite marks…….many…..bite marks!


Otherwise referred to as “every visit I’ve ever made to a toy store with my daughter.”

I try to rush past the cuddly toy aisle but no! I’m too slow, she spots them and makes a grab. I veer the pram in the other direction but her chubby little mitts find at least 4 teddys. She looks me in the eye and I know I’ve lost.

It’s not the adorable, wide “I’m so cute” eyes she gives me. It’s much worse. It’s the “buy me one of these now or you’re going to be dealing with a nuclear meltdown right here” face.

So what have we learned? Don’t spend thousands hiring mobsters to do your dirty work for you. You’ve already got a criminal mastermind living right under your own roof!

Sophie Marie is a mother of two and lives in a remote area of Queensland, Australia. She runs a lifestyle and motherhood blog at Lifestyle Queensland.


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