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To The Child I Never Wanted

Ashley with her kids to the child I never knew I wanted

Guest Post by Ashley from https://seriousmomshit.net/

To the child I never wanted,
Thank you.

Thank you for coming in my life.
Thank you for restoring me.
Thank you for giving me a second chance.

It wasn’t YOU I never wanted.
It was the thought of you.

The pregnancy, the doctor appointments, the birth.
The sleepless nights, the tired me I’d meet again, the starting over.
Pumping, dumping, feeling sore, becoming more unorganized, more running, more chaos.

You came at a time in my life when I thought I was done.

You came when I wanted to be done.

You were not planned and you were not expected.

When I found out about you, I cried.
Not tears of joy like your siblings.
I was scared.

Tears of fear. Tears of terror. Tears of anger.
When I look at you, child, I wish I knew then what I knew now.

Man, I was scared.
I was unsure how I would do it all again.
I didn’t think I loved myself enough to love you too.
I didn’t think I would have time for you.
I wasn’t sure how I could add you into the chaotic life we lived already and give you what you needed.
I hate to admit when I was wrong, but I will admit my wrongs on this over and over for you, my sweet child.
I was wrong.

You were a secret.
Not the kind of secret that ends with smiles and a planned out party.
There was no cake when we found out your gender.

When I told others about you, tears filled my eyes.
Worry consumed my body.
I was nauseated and I never had morning sickness.
The sleepless nights began before you came.
I wanted to convince myself it was going to be okay.

I wish I knew it was going to be okay.
I wish I knew how happy you would make me and how I don’t want to know life without you.

What I would give to go back and rub my tummy as you danced inside me.
What I would give to cherish the moments of watching you grow.
I want so bad to hear your heartbeat again on the monitors and smile instead of cry.

I want to take it all back but I can’t.

When you came,
I was tired and I cried.
It was hard and the nights were long.
You weren’t easy but neither was I.
We made a good team, you and I.

They laid you on my chest and you looked at me.
The way you looked at me was as if you already knew that I needed you.
You were calm and it calmed me.
You touched my face and I should have been the one touching yours.
That touch changed me.

I spent hours of sleepless nights staring at the dimple on your cheekbone while you nursed and smiled up at me.
I laughed when you learned something new and were proud of it.
My heart grew bigger with each day that I saw you grow.
The only hurt I felt was watching you when you were sick and all I could do for you was give you cuddles and love.

You were the little life I created.
Laying in my arms.
I was all you knew.
You loved me before I loved you.
And I’m sorry for that.

If I could go back, I wouldn’t change a thing. The emotions that you gave me form the moment I knew about you, were the same emotions that led me to be who I am.

Those emotions made me a better mother.
They provided me with a sense of direction in knowing that you were placed in my life for a purpose.

You found a home in me, and I in you.

You were always the child I never wanted because you were the child I always needed.

A day will never pass that you don’t feel my love.
The bond we have is derived from so much more than what meets the eye.
You will always hold a special place in my heart.

Thank you for trusting in me when I didn’t trust myself.

Thank you for being my child and loving me when I didn’t love myself.

Thank you, sweet child, for being the child that saved me.

Ashley standing with her family of four children, including the one child she never knew she wanted

Guest Post by Ashley of Serious Mom Shit

Hi, I’m Ashley. I’m a wife, nurse, and mom to four blessings. Life has a way of keeping us on our toes, but I find it easy to overcome it all by sharing love through writing. Whether it be tears, laughter, or motivation, I want to spread it like the plague. 

https://www.facebook.com/Seriousmomshit0/ and https://www.instagram.com/seriousmomshit/

Jen
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