On Halloween, This Mom was Hung Like a Dino

I used to be sexy on Halloween. Not Basic Sexy, like “sexy nurse” or “sexy mouse”, but Creative Sexy. At least I thought so. Instead of Little Orphan Annie I would be “Little WHOREphan Annie,” showing a lot of leg and whatever cleavage I could muster. One year I was “White Trash”, dressed in a short tight white dress with white garbage-like tissues and styrofoam cups and un-used tampons pasted all over it. You get the idea: something clever and/or punny, but with boobs and butt thrown into the mix. I was young and childless and I wanted whatever costume I wore to lead to sex. Sex on Halloween Night was a thing I used to have! Can you believe it?

Now I’m a MOM. I’m not saying I’ve given up on being sexy EVER, but sexiness on Halloween? I can’t. I need to be comfortable. I need to be warm. I need to be able to pick up my kid and carry him if he gets tired. And my husband would have Halloween Sex with me even if I was dressed like a hairy turd, but I’m too tired to even think about wanting to have sex after dealing with my kid’s inevitable sugar-induced meltdown that there’s no point even entertaining the idea.

My son is almost 4 and still wants us to dress up with him. He’s the only kid we’re having, so we embrace his enthusiasm knowing that this once-in-a-lifetime-cuteness won’t last forever. Two Halloweens ago he chose Winnie the Pooh, so my husband dressed as Eeyore and I was Tigger. Last year we were Alvin and the Chipmunks, and I was assigned Theodore, the least sexy chipmunk of the trio. This year, he wanted us all to be dinosaurs, so that’s what we were. Could I have worn a leotard and tights and boots and a tail and called myself “Sexosaurus?” Yes. But I didn’t. I wore this. And I was cozy and my kid was happy and all was right with the world.

I only wish someone had told me that I looked like I had a giant dino-schlong. I guess I’m just a Sexosaurus even when I don’t try.

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