Mystery Solved! What’s with all the pee on the seat of public restrooms??

 

If you have ever spent time in a public restroom intended for females, you know that they are inexplicably disgusting. The degree of grossness ranges from pee on the seat to a bowlful of un-flushed feces to soiled sanitary napkins on the floor. It boggles the mind of a typical bathroom-goer like me who manages to put everything where it is supposed to go as well as dispose of the evidence in the appropriate receptacle. I am not ashamed of my bodily functions, but I do have a nice combination of fine motor skills and manners, and I’m willing to bet you do, too! But if I’m putting all my stuff in the right place and you’re putting all of your stuff in the right place, who is putting her stuff everywhere else?

 

People of the World, I have solved this mystery, and I am certain it is going to change the way we view the loo.

 

As you may recall, I recently trained my son to pee standing up. He is doing a wonderful job of urinating in his frog potty, the toilets at Pre-K, and our home commode. Recently however, we were at a movie theater, and since my husband was not with us we had to escort ourselves into a stall in the ladies’ room. As I stood my kid in front of the toilet, I realized that the rim of the latrine was level with his belly button. There was no stool for him to stand on and he loudly refused to sit (“I peepee standing up like a big boy now!”), so I had to lift him in midair and aim his body in the general direction of the porcelain throne. Needless to say, his pee hit everything but the water. As I was gathering paper to attempt to minimize the damage, my boy managed to unlock the stall and run out of the bathroom altogether. I of course chased after him and what did I leave behind? Pee on the seat, piss on the wall, and a puddle on the floor.

 

If the next person to use that stall didn’t see me leave with a 4-year old, she would naturally assume that whoever used that john before her had a severe aiming disorder. She would then be forced to squat and hover, therefore completing the domino effect of tinkling on the seat and possibly the floor. Now we’ve got a pee pileup, folks, and it’s not because women don’t know what they’re doing.

 

DO YOU SEE HOW REVOLUTIONARY THIS IS?

If not, allow me to share one more tale.

 

Picture it: New York City. The Metropolitan Museum of Art, a beautiful structure with beautiful facilities. My son and I are in a corner stall with its own sink, garbage can, and plenty of space. After he does his business, it’s my turn. I feel confident that he will behave himself for the 90 seconds it takes me to wee. I look away for some of these seconds, and then I hear the worst three words a mother can hear in a strange WC: “Mommy, what’s THIS?”

 

Time stands still as I gaze upon my child grasping the used tampon applicator of a stranger. Horror. Heart-stopping HORROR. I have to wipe and pull up my pants before I can smack the vile offender out of his hands and I practically shove his entire body into the sink and scrub him down like Meryl Streep in Silkwood after she is exposed to radiation*. I tell him NEVER to reach into the garbage again, but he smartly points out that there is a garbage can in the corner, so how was he to know that the shiny silver secret door in the wall had yuckies in it?

 

Why have I told you this nightmare? So that you, the woman who used that stall after me, don’t think that I was the one who threw my tampon junk on the floor! It was my child! And I’m sorry I didn’t pick it up and throw it back in the magic compartment but I was traumatized! Forgive me.

 

In conclusion, grown women know how to use bathrooms but young boys are still learning, and as long as they need to accompany us into the ladies’ lavatory, things will be a mess. Let’s all work together to spread this revelation and alter the reputation of whizzing women everywhere.

 

*Did I spoil that for you? Have you not seen it? The film came out in 1983 so I think we’re past the statute of limitations there. Anyway, Cher is in it and so is Kurt Russell and it was nominated for five Oscars so you should check it out.