Lose Weight by Lactating? The Pump it Fitness System
Hi, I’m Amy Schloerb — an actress, a mom, and the creator of the award-winning comedy web series, SchloerBITS. What is SchloerBITS? Well, as you just read, my last name is “Schloerb” and, as you may have heard, “bits” are what comedians do, so you squish those two words together and you get “SchloerBITS” my fun, light-hearted, observational comedy series–that might just answer the question, “Can you lose weight by lactating?”
I started SchloerBITS in 2011 by combining my stand-up tracks with “animation” (term used EXTREMELY loosely. I’m a performing artist, not a visual one). In 2017 I transitioned the series to live-action. I was a young mom and desperately needed a creative outlet. But with only the guarantee of nap time (maybe?) as a work period, I realized I needed to tailor my creative ideas to fit my #momlife.
Out of necessity, I created characters and concepts I could easily film entirely on my own. I’m the cast, the crew, the network – I’m truly a one-woman show. Everything in SchloerBITS is inspired by my life (and #momlife). If some part of #momlife makes me laugh, I write a SchloerBIT about it. If some part of #momlife makes me want to cry, I DEFINITELY write a SchloerBIT about it. I hope other moms can relate to this selection of #momlife inspired episodes, and find comfort in laughing at some of the ridiculous things we have to deal with in our day-to-day #momlife.
(Have I casually dropped the hashtag #momlife enough? Well, here’s one more for good measure — #MOMLIFE)
P.S. I’ve also done a number of non-#momlife episodes. Feel free to check those out too at SchloerBITS.com. (I mean, we’re not JUST moms, am I right?)
PumpIt Fitness System
This episode of SchloerBITS is born from the fact that I LOVED breastfeeding! The bonding, the release of those “feel good” hormones, not having to make up bottles. But my favorite part of breastfeeding was definitely the weight loss! “What?! I’m burning an extra 500 calories a day?! THIS IS AMAZING! Can I do this FOREVER?!” Oh, and getting to PUMP as part of the whole deal, well, that’s the icing on the cake! No wonder dairy cows are so svelte and happy!
INT. DAY – DAIRY FARM
AMY
You get to do this all day?!
DAIRY COW
Moo.
AMY
Amazing! Sign me up!
DAIRY COW
*all the side eye*
As any mom will tell you, pumping breast milk is a *magical* process full of wonderful sights, sounds, and sensations! The joy of watching my engorged nipples be sucked into plastic funnels! The soothing “burrrrrzzzz-herummpff” sound of the pump motor combined with the friction of my skin on the flanges! The utterly (pun intended) delightful feeling of it all! My God, is this heaven?! Oh, and the privilege of adhering to strict schedules to ensure you don’t lose your supply, or having to “pump and dump” if you’ve had a glass of wine! The fun literally never stops! One might say it’s “free flowing” ahahahahahahahaha!
Okay, by now I hope you’re picking up on the fact that while I loved breastfeeding, I was NOT a fan of pumping. Really, who would be? We do it because we have to. No one would voluntarily elect to pump breastmilk for no reason. It’s a ridiculous idea! Which is why it tickled my brain to think, “Hey, what if pumping was marketed as a fitness system? I mean, everyone wants to burn an extra 500 calories a day, and you’d only have to do this for, like, 20 minutes — EIGHT TO TEN TIMES A DAY!” Yeah, it’s a horrible fitness system, but makes for a funny infomercial parody.
Lose Weight by Lactating? The PUMP IT Fitness System
About Amy:
Amy Schloerb is a TV, film, and commercial actress whose work can be seen on such shows as Black-ish and Criminal Minds, but not 1600 Penn (because she was cut out of that). When she’s not on the set of a network TV show or feature film, Schloerb can be found knee-deep in SchloerBITS, a comedic web series where she writes, directs, produces, edits, runs craft services and occasionally handles the pyrotechnics.
At home Schloerb has a collection of living things that include a husband (hers), an energetic maltipoo, a cat who is never impressed, and a toddler who insists that Cheerios are best eaten directly off the floor.
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