Life as a Crap Mom | 5 Ways to Suck at Momming 😉
Most of my motherhood years have been spent as a crap mom! You heard me right. It wasn’t a blip and I promise, your hearing is not failing you. I truly feel that I have spent the last 15 years of my life as a crap mom and that’s because I have been exhausted for most, if not all of it.
What do I mean by that? Well, it’s pretty simple and maybe after reading my failures as a mother, you’ll look in the mirror and say to yourself, “I’m really glad I don’t suck as bad she does.”
Here are 5 ways to Suck at Momming
#1 Never remember the names of your children’s coaches, teachers, or friends.
#2 Order DoorDash for dinner every night of the week because you can’t be bothered to stop working long enough to cook.
#3 Give your little ones your cell phone at least two hours a day so you can masturbate, shower, and eat without interruption.
#4 Give your kids a ‘Yes’ day several days a week so you don’t have to explain why a “No” is better or hear their tantrums.
#5 Tell your children you’ll attend their cheering events only to skip out because you really don’t care to watch the same routine over and over again.
Why Do I Suck
Sure, I could use every excuse in the book for my crap mom ways and yeah, they’re all 100% true. I did get pregnant super young, with back-to-back babies. I did get married at twenty-one to a moron who spent all of our diaper and formula money on hunting gear.
And when he cheated on me, I did actually beg him to stay because I knew I couldn’t handle the stress of two babies on my own. Then, the divorce process sucked the happy go-lucky personality right out of me and when the right guy did show up, I was just an empty shell of a human being who was just ecstatic that he enjoyed my kids more than I did.
After four kids, a messy divorce, a former diva who went from having everything to having to sew her underwear back together… I think I’ve earned the right to say, “I’m bloody exhausted!”
How to Be a Better Crap Mom
#1 Drink Black Coffee
Make this your ride-or-die bitch! Get rid of the sugar and say good-bye to the creamer. Why? First, sugar is a downer. Once you put all the sugar in your body, it acts as if it’s giving you a high and then after a few hours, all of a sudden you start coming down. You feel left with fatigue and droopy eyes, like you didn’t sleep at all. That’s the sugar effect, so skip it. As for the creamer or milk, they both cause bloat and inflammation. So, unless you enjoy that feeling, you can skip that too.
Mornings and nights are tough with littles, so use this black gold to its fullest potential.
#2 Crap Moms Use the App DoorDash
Who the F*ck has time to make gourmet meals every darn night of the week with all the back and forth to cheer practice, softball games, soccer games, PTA meetings, school, playdates, work, the supermarket trips, and all the other fanciful things us moms do?! DoorDash is the James Bond in my story and it is constantly saving my life.
All I have to do is pick a different healthy restaurant every night (ya know, for the kids’ sake) and place an order one hour before I want to feed the family. Voila! Dinner is on the table. And for an added bougie vibe, I’ll take my faux florals from the bathroom and put them on my dining table. It provides a restaurant-quality ambiance.
#3 Take a Nap
I know, getting to nap is like finding a unicorn in a field of four-leaf clovers laying in a bed of gold coins. Highly unlikely! But, on the rare occasions that you get to nap, take it! Extra sleep helps the body recover from whatever stress we’ve placed on it during the week. Plus, you’ll be less moody with the kids, the neighbors, the delivery people… well, you get it.
#4 Get a Babysitter
Can you believe I was pretentious enough to believe that if I left my children with anyone else that I wouldn’t be a good mom? Boy, do I wish I could go back to the early years of my first two daughters because I would most certainly have hired a respectable and highly rated sitter to watch my girls twice a month.
That’s because every mom deserves some time for themselves. During the divorce, I could have definitely used that time for clarity purposes, to de-compress my life choices, and to just return to being me without a man in my life.
Now, I spend at least 3x a month having a sitter watch them. This allows my husband and me time for date nights. But here’s the kicker… I even ask the sitter to babysit on days where my husband is at work and I just want a day for myself. Sometimes it’s for two hours and other days, it’s for an entire day. I know it can be expensive, but if it’s between my sanity and the last $50 in my purse, I’m spending that $50 on a sitter to regain my sanity. Trust me, you’ll be glad you had that time alone.
#5 Do Something With Your Kids You Both Can Enjoy
As a crap mom, I’m guilty of not wanting to watch my kids cheer the same boring cheers for the 6th year in a row or watch them stink at soccer again. But, I do want to enjoy them while also enjoying myself. For example, I like watching funny videos on TikTok and YouTube. I also enjoy making funny videos. So, I’ve enlisted all four of them (my youngest being 4) in watching these funny videos online and then we pick our favorite ones to try and reenact. The videos always turn out terrible and it almost always ends up in the trash file, yet we all laugh while making them.
No, we are not perfect parents and are definitely way too hard on ourselves and yes, we should probably stop aiming so high on the parenting scale because it’s making us super judgmental of other parents and extremely high strung. We don’t need to see ourselves as failures. We should see ourselves as humble works of art that our children get to be a part of in creating.
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