15 Reasons Why I’m Always Late
I’m late everywhere I go. Always.
It never seems to fail, no matter how much earlier I begin to get ready the end result usually is, I’m late. It’s to the point that people expect it. Despite popular belief I DO aim to be on time. But, there are obstacles that almost always get in the way of allowing that to happen.
These are 15 Reasons Why I’m Always Late:
I’m Not An Early Riser
You know those people who wake up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed? Yeah, I’m not one of them. I’m quite the opposite. I wake up cranky like a hungry zombie and want to do nothing more than to put the covers back over my head. I’ve always felt it was unnatural for anyone to have feet on the floor before 11am. I resist getting up for as long as possible.
Debating If I Go Or Not
Now that I have feet on the floor the next question is, do I feel like going? I weigh the pro’s and con’s down to a couple of hours before I have to walk out the door. One would almost think that I wasn’t going to go. But there are times when I have to, so I gotta suck it up.
I Can’t Find Anything To Wear
I wish I had Cher’s issue of having too many choices. My problem is, I have too FEW choices. Most of my clothes have some sort of stain I received from one of my children that never washed out fully. Now I have to spend at least 30 minutes trying to pair something together I hope I haven’t been seen in within the last month.
My Eyebrows Aren’t On Fleek
I haven’t had eyebrows since the early 90’s due to the fact I constantly shaved them off. My mom tried to warn me. But what do moms know. Now I’m subjected to drawing these suckers on, and let me tell you it’s not as easy as you think. I’ve been late, or worst case just stayed home if my brows weren’t drawn on right.
It’s A Bad Hair Day
Nothing is worse than thinking you’re going to style your hair one way, when secretly your hair has another idea in mind. So now I’ve wasted 20 minutes fighting with it when I could’ve just put a hat on.
I Have To Poop
Why is that when you’ve got your shoes on and you’re looking for your keys you suddenly realize that you have to take a poop? Really bowels? I mean, you had all day to expel yourself why now?
Which leads to the next reason.
Someone Else Is Using The Bathroom
Why when I’m ready to use the bathroom that’s when everyone else wants to use the bathroom? So here I am dancing around like something out of Riverdance waiting for someone who’s in no rush to be done.
Kids Are Suddenly Hungry
You’re hungry now? Really? I mean, either they just ate or when I asked them a little while ago (when I had the time) if they were hungry and they both told me, no. So instead of walking out the door I have to quickly make something because of course they don’t want the sitter or their father to make it.
When The Kids Realize They Aren’t Going With Me
Now that I’m finally ready to walk out the door they promptly stop mid-chew and have fits because they can’t go with me. So now I have to get down to their level and reassure them that I am coming back and if they let me go I’ll bring them a gift when I get back. That usually zips their lips and gets them off me.
Of course, I don’t come back with any gifts. Sorry. Not sorry.
I Missed The Train
A couple of factors can occur here. I could have just missed the train because I wasn’t fast enough to make it or I missed it while I was refilling my Metrocard. I hardly use the damn thing because I have a car so I never remember if I have money on it or not. And because I live on the G line another train won’t be seen for 10 minutes.
Train Delays
When the train finally arrives I think I’ll be okay. Not two stops later I find myself sitting in the tunnel between stations due to train traffic ahead. LIES! What traffic? The last train left 10 minutes ago. Now claustrophobia and anger sets in which puts me on the brink of I’m screaming. I shake my head and think to myself, “I shoulda drove.”
New York City Traffic
Speaking of driving, unless you live in New York City or L.A. don’t talk to me about traffic. Despite my judgement there is never a time when I can get from Brooklyn into Manhattan in less than 30 minutes during normal business hours. Traffic in all directions sits at a standstill. The elderly couple with their cane can walk faster than my car is moving. And if that isn’t enough I still have to hunt for a park cause I refuse to pay $35 to park for a 2 hour event. So yeah, I “shoulda” took the train.
You see the vicious cycle?
I’m Lost
It doesn’t matter if I drive or take the train there are times when I can get lost in my own city. (Oh, like that’s never happened to you before.) If I drive the GPS will take me the long way making me even more confused about where I’m supposed to be or if I train it and don’t take the right exit I can end up blocks away from my destination. I’m not ashamed to admit that I have used the “walk” option on my GPS to get me around the corner.
Finally my destin…oooh food!
I’m Hungry
After all that, I’ve finally made it to where I need to be only for my stomach to loudly announce she’s hungry. Now I can tell my stomach to shut up and keep walking in order to avoid too much ridicule for being late. Or I can look at my watch to determine that I’m already late, note that the line isn’t too long and think it’s totally worth me stopping. I 8 out of 10 will choose the latter. Yes, I will stuff food in my purse to munch on later. Hey listen, I do what I have to. I’ve attended functions where the food wasn’t up to par. A girl has to be prepared.
And lastly…
I’m Just A Procrastinator
They say knowing is half the battle. Well I know I’m a procrastinator. Always have been. I mean, why do something now when I can (un)happily do it later on…or tomorrow…or next week.
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